Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Sick Book of Lies

Years after everything, I have realized that I can't be lied to anymore... I know lying, and I know betrayal - I know the sick book of lies.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Once upon a time...

Once I met a girl who meant the world to me, but like a really small, bitter, uninhabitable world.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Pale Blue Dot

Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.

— Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space.

Friday, July 31, 2015

No more bullshit

This is a shared article via another site.
Fits very well on me except that I turned 30 two years before my age?

This is the story of how I turned 30, founded a new company and stopped giving f***s about certain things. Now life is a lot more awesome because instead of wasting time giving f***’s, I can use all that time and energy on the things that actually matter.

Here’s 5 things you will probably stop giving a single f*** about when you turn 30. If you’re already there and beyond– congratulations on all those f***s you don’t give! You know that it’s great.

1. Friendship Drama

Yeah, you know exactly which ones I’m talking about. The ones who constantly just seem to be stirring up shit and making you feel uncomfortable – whether they’re arguing with your other friends, you or just being passive aggressive. You’ll realize when you hit that 3-0 that they’re not adding any value to your life. Friends are supposed to have your back, support your growth, love and respect you for you who are – no matter what. If this has changed over time, well – you’ll inevitably stop giving a single f***.  And that’s totally OK, even if they call you an asshole for not calling back anymore.
Image title

2. Relationship Drama

I don’t even know where to begin.

When you turn 30, you realize that a truly healthy relationship is completely, equally, geometrically, TWO HALVES of one thing, whatever that is. If someone’s trying some half assed weirdness with you – you’d much rather be alone than waste your time on them. Being alone doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

Suddenly, you look at your date sitting across the table (who’s really hot but being an absolute turd) - and you finally comprehend that it takes a lot more than looks to establish a meaningful connection of any kind. All that 20-something year old mentality of lust-hungering after beautiful abs/waists/legs and jawlines quickly seems ridiculous to you and you realize that actually, you don’t give a single f*** about all the dates that you know deep down, are wrong for you.

You stop tolerating bullshit in general, you learn to say no – at 30, you really don’t give a f*** about the excuses someone cooks up to justify their shitty treatment of you.

You know what you’re worth, you understand the importance of self-respect and respect for others.

In the past you used to try to be understanding and generous when someone said stuff like:

“I don’t commit.”
“I just want to hang out (but still have sex and all the good stuff).”
“Why can’t you [insert things that they want but not really your thing].”
“That girl/guy all over my phone? None of your business/ we’re not together together/it’s not like that.”
“I have issues/ past history/ super baggage so please understand and put up with me.”
“I’m just the way I am, too bad.”

At 30, a lightning bolt of logic hits you and your response to all the above is:
“Oh, good for you. Now get the f*** out of my face.”

You move on, enjoy hanging out alone for a while and inevitably find someone who’s not a turd and come to realize that healthy relationships are as awesome as freshly baked choc chip cookies. You look back and think: all those times you tried and failed – they were lessons so you could become the stronger person you are today.

Image title

3. Work Drama

Workwise, you get to a stage where you sit back and think, really hard about your professional path and whether this is something you want to do for the next ten years. A lot of people change industries around this age- there’s nothing wrong with trying something new. Whether it’s a new role, a new industry or even a new business idea – at 30, you’re mature enough to start thinking realistically about your professional goals and vision.

Of course, this is also the time where you stop putting up with workplace assholes – whether it’s the guy chewing his lunch way too loudly, the passive aggressive conference caller or petty office politics. Now you give no f***s about being the nice one: you know it’s ok to get your claws out if someone’s being a jerk, because you realize at the end of the day it’s about getting work done and going home to your actual life. Plus, you simply stopped giving a f*** about having everyone like you.

Image title

4. Family Drama

Now, I’m NOT saying you should stop giving a f*** about your family, unless they’re really asking for it. Every family is different. You don’t get to choose your family – yet there’s something unbreakable about blood ties, because you’re all genetically/legally tied to one another. Families are not perfect: it’s normal that you may not always agree or get along with everyone.

So at 30, you come to understand that this is OK. You have no control over who you get to call family; you can only choose what to do with these connections. At this stage, most parents realize they were your age once before: a fully formed, (mostly) self-sufficient, tax paying, potentially baby-making, somewhat sensible adult. This may alleviate some stress or increase closeness as they give you the space you need, or make an extra effort to keep in touch.

No matter the pain, the love, the memories, the history you’ve had with one another; as an adult you can make a conscious decision about the role you play in each other’s lives. Just like any other relationships, there’s no perfection – you can only manage the best arrangements that suits everyone most, including yourself.

And you’re fine with that, because you’re now comfortable enough to decide.

Image title

5. Self-created Drama

I had a Charles Bukowksi-inspired melt down a bit before my 30th birthday. I broke up with my then boyfriend, quit my then corporate job, upset my still-conservative parents, basically destroyed everything that seemed lovely and stable in my life and then started something I truly wanted, by crawling out of the debris with a renewed, hardened zest for life.

Not everyone’s story is so extreme: I certainly don’t recommend it- unless you know that you’re lying to yourself. I know I was. How can you tell? There’s a constant, unexplainable misery rooted deep inside of you – like a dull ache that becomes sharp over time.
But why surface now?

That’s because at 30, your ability to bullshit even yourself becomes muggy and weak – you’re old enough to come face to face with who you truly are. All the fear, pain, love, anger, beauty – that face in the mirror you’ve lived with for three decades; you can truly see yourself. For some, this is the single most terrifying aspect of turning 30 – you can now look within yourself with a clarity and honesty that can be raw, brutal and fragile. This is when you realize and come to terms with what you really want in life.

With the awkward confusion of your teenage years way past you, the relaxed sloppiness of your twenties gone; you’re now left with a fully functional, kind-of adult, capable of achieving what you actually want. However messy this path has been, doesn’t matter; you made it and you’re here.

Now you appreciate all the things you’ve been through; all that you have seen, made and survived. There’s a rebirthed happiness that comes with this. Old insecurities fade when you wake up and realize that while you may be covered in battle scars, you’re tough as shit and you’re only going to get stronger.

Which is totally why you are now wise enough to reserve your f***s for the things that truly matter in life.

And stop giving a single f*** about the things that don’t.

Image title

Friday, January 16, 2015

478 days of crying

dated: 23-4-2014, 5:16 am.

Something I was about to post and never posted, and will never have the chance to complete because it would not matter now.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Ambivalent towards you

You won, because I wasn't indifferent, I was ambivalent towards you... You lost, because you will live with the guilt of breaking a true heart.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Memories are dangerous things!

"Memories are dangerous things. You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you'll find an edge to cut you."

— Mark Lawrence, Prince of Thorns.